Norton of Morton

Read a new instalment of Norton of Morton every Saturday at 4 o'clock

Saturday 9 April 2016

Changing faces

In which G.M. Norton gives a hairy history lesson.

Prepare yourself, dear reader, as I have news to impart. Are you ready? I’ve put aside my trusty razor and I'm once again cultivating a chin badger.

I know that you'll be sad to see the pencil moustache go but quite frankly, I get bored easily and fancy a change.

For those that haven’t kept up with my facial hair growing exploits, here is a little hirsute history.

September 2012 
This periodical came to life and my face was naked. Completely bereft of any sign of facial hair, which was removed as soon as it sprouted up from the confines of my face. 

March 2013 
Deciding that an aspiring gentleman should grow interesting facial hair, I embarked on Operation Handlebar. My large moustache helped your favourite protagonist achieve notoriety, fame and membership to the prestigious Handlebar Club

November 2014 
Concerned that the look of disgust on my beloved’s face would become permanent, the moustache and I agreed to end our affair. Parting was such sweet sorrow.

December 2014 
Without a hairy face, I didn’t feel quite right. I missed my furry friend. Over the Christmas period, I neglected to shave and to my surprise, my beloved asked me to grow a beard. Of course, I obliged! 
October 2015 
Experiencing a strong urge to shave, I did just that. I’d always been intrigued by the pencil moustache style so gave it a whirl. Originally planning to only keep it for Halloween, where I dressed up as Gomez Addams, it survived a whole six months. 

Back in the present day, I'll be seeing out the rest of 2016 with a beard. 

Then something exciting is happening, chumrades (for me, at least). 2017 marks the 70th anniversary of the Handlebar Club. To mark such a milestone, the chin fluff will exit stage left and the large upper lip appendage will be BACK! Complete with graspable extremities.

And then I'll change it all again.

G.M. Norton
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'



  1. A change is a good thing! I'm sure you will always look dapper, whatever your facial hair (or lack of it).

    1. Most kind! I adore change, I really do. I was always fascinated with a lady at the office when I first started work as a fresh-faced 16 year old. She seemed to have a different hairstyle and colour almost every time I clapped eyes on her. She must have spent a small fortune at the hairdressers.

  2. Oh, sir!
    There are people who+s faces "crave" facial hair - and it suits them so fine. You are one of those. So, GROW your hair, grow it long and strong! :)


    1. Why thank you, dear lady! I'll do just that.

  3. Hosannahs and huzzahs! At last the facial furniture is making a return. Having worn mine for nigh on 40 years, I can honestly say I look like a squashed duck without it. I know, I shaved it off a few years ago and my worst fears were confirmed. I had to retreat from the UK for a fortnight before I could return with something that looked faintly like the original.

    Niall McGuinness, Edinburgh

    1. One does grow quite attached to such facial adornments. I quite enjoy the growing process too.


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