Norton of Morton

Read a new instalment of Norton of Morton every Saturday at 4 o'clock

Saturday, 31 March 2018

Beard envy

In which G.M. Norton touches on the subject of beards and the envy they induce.


Beards have been enjoying a renaissance over the last few years. It's been refreshing to witness and be part of, as there did seem to be a certain stigma attached to the chin badger wearing gentleman. Dirty and unkept being two words often associated with the humble beard.

Beards have been worn by men since cavemen discovered how chin hair displayed their virility to the fairer sex.

Even Jesus had one. I suspect Judas betrayed him because he was suffering from a well-known condition called 'beard envy'.

Beard envy is rife.

I remember watching The Fugitive at the local picture house and being rather taken with Harrison Ford's chin growing efforts. Suffering with the same condition as Judas, Tommy Lee Jones spent the entire film hunting him down. Even shaving it off quite early on didn't do anything for poor Harrison. No doubt, Tommy Lee Jones believed that the beard would soon return.
Or perhaps Tommy Lee Jones was just after some beard growing tips as demonstrated by his later hirsute efforts.
Harrison Ford's majestic facial hair was a direct result of influential father figure, Mr Sean Connery.
Connery's chum Michael Caine was another beard envy sufferer, until he decided to also forgo the razor and try it out for himself.

Of course, with a great beard comes great responsibility. And that means keeping it well-groomed.
We don't want to besmirch the good efforts of the recent noble beard wearers and ruin the reputation of the beard. That would be terrible. Socrates would never forgive us.

G.M. Norton
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'


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