Norton of Morton

Read a new instalment of Norton of Morton every Saturday at 4 o'clock

Saturday 26 March 2016

5 things a gentleman should possess

In which G.M. Norton considers the five essential things that every gentleman needs.

I was busy being late to an appointment the other day, while raising my eyebrows in surprise and chuckling to myself. Then I had an epiphany. I could think of five things that every would-be gentleman needs. 

And here they are.

1. A watch  

A gentleman should always try to be punctual so a watch is quite important to help achieve this. Of course, if you're like me, being on time is something you need to improve on. So having a timepiece allows me to see exactly how many minutes, hours and days I am late.

I once turned up for a doctor's appointment exactly 24 hours later than arranged. Then promptly got seen by the medic.  The moral of the story? If you're going to be late, be horrendously late and you earn points for doing it in style. 

2. His own eyebrows

Forget head hair. At some point, a gentleman will be faced with the prospect of being follicly challenged. Thankfully, we usually get to keep our eyebrows. 

Now chaps, don't allow them to get too long and unruly. No Norman Lamont madness please. 
Sir Roger Moore probably has the most famous eyebrows in existence. Raising your eyebrows will raise your gentlemanly game.

3. Sense of humour

Too many people are serious these days. Life is too short for that sort of rot. Be silly. I had the pleasure of staying overnight in a rather charming hotel with my beloved recently. Once I am free of the responsibilities of children, I find that I go a little potty. Before long, I was singing Tura Lura Lura in the corridors, much to the amusement of the hotel staff.
4. Stylish wardrobe

It's all well and good having a watch, dancing eyebrows and a sense of humour, but any fellow with serious aspirations for achieving gentlemanly status really needs to look the part. 
Now, having pieced together gentlemanly attire for £15 and £50 in two different style challenges, I've proven that it is possible to dress nattily for next to nothing. So no excuses!

5. An iron 

So, you have the clobber. But it's creased. That's where the humble iron comes into play. I can't emphasise enough the importance of a steam iron. Clothes should be freshly pressed. That is, unless you're sauntering along Malibu beach in a crumpled linen suit. 
Well, there you have it. Collect the whole set you and prepare yourself for a life of adulation. 

G.M. Norton
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'

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  1. Sir -

    A Mondaine watch? I approve. Simplicity itself, no fancy decoration. Mine is an automatic and loses about a minute a day. But I don't care. It makes me slightly late for everything.


    Niall McGuinness

    1. I'd love for my wrist to become better acquainted with a Mondaine. A classic, simple design. I like to think that being late is a quiet rebellion, especially in work situations.

  2. A good list there, sir! I think my husbeast falls over on 5 - we have an iron, but he never uses it - but item number 3 is definitely the most important anyway.

    1. Many thanks! Alas, I am rather close to my iron. But it is a relationship based on convenience rather than love. I wholeheartedly agree, item number 3 is where it counts! Without it, life would be a dull grey world.


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