Norton of Morton

Read a new instalment of Norton of Morton every Saturday at 4 o'clock

Saturday 10 May 2014

The art of wooing a lady

In which G.M. Norton guides chaps through the confusing, uncharted wooing waters.

That chance encounter can happen anywhere - on public transport, standing in a queue, walking around an art gallery, at work, in a bar. The moment you meet an exquisite creature that stirs up a strong desire to overwhelm her with the 'bold move', all too often the incident runs as follows. 

The fair maiden - all cherry lips and eyes you get lost in. You - all nerves, incoherence and slobbering. Don't be this man. With just a little effort, you can exude David Niven-like panache. 
Panache aplenty
Ever mindful that you can meet the girl of your dreams anywhere; always be prepared. Just as you may have your best underwear on should you be knocked down by a moving vehicle (chances are a mobility scooter), always be presentable. If you look good, you will feel good and confidence is the key to opening Pandora’s Box (or Catherine’s, or Jenny’s...).

Talk the talk

So, you’ve met The One and you don’t look like a nincompoop. Bravo! You’re also giving off a confident air. Allow her to inhale this alluring aroma for a moment; it will help cast her under your spell.

Now you need to strike up a conversation. No pressure but if you can, this is the time to be witty. Not uncouth like you’re with your friends at the local watering hole. Funny, in a good way. And please, no chat up lines – unless you want to be set adrift as the cheesy man she will laugh with her friends about.

Compliments on the other hand are just the ticket. Everybody loves to be told something nice. She will remember you for it and feel happy - this is your aim.

While you’re talking to her, oil the wheels of conversation by asking about her. She will like this very much. In fact, she may like you very much simply for this reason. Show genuine interest, find out about her likes and dislikes, passions and hobbies. Earn bonus points at future encounters by referring to the nuggets of information she imparted and she’ll think you’re the bee’s knees for remembering.
What are your views on cigarettes and alcohol?
While you engage in the flow of witty conversation, don't be afraid to brush her hand or the back of her arm. Of course, don’t pinch her bottom at this juncture – if you play your cards right, you’ll have plenty of time in the future for grasping the restricted areas. 

Studying how she reacts to this safe caress will reveal how successful you are at wooing her. If she squirms, you may have to cut your losses, but don't be disheartened. There's plenty more fish in the sea. Just be careful in those waders. 

But if she doesn’t resist, and even better, if she reciprocates the caresses, she may be succumbing to your charms. Just remember,
the best relationships develop from friendships so there’s no need to be overly forward and gung-ho. 
I say, steady on!
First date etiquette

You’ve secured a first date with that special lady. Congratulations, but don’t count your chickens because this is where the real work starts. Heed this advice, and you may earn yourself another chance to impress.

1. Show some initiative and plan the date. Don’t leave it up to her; take the lead.

2. Don’t be late! Allow plenty of time beforehand and arrive fashionably early.

3. Think about your greeting – a kiss on the cheek will suffice, swiftly followed by a compliment about her ensemble.

4. Don’t play with your phone. Your date should be your one and only focus.

5. If you asked to take her out then you must pay for the whole shebang and just expect her company in return. She is your guest. If she insists on splitting the bill then oblige her wishes.

6. Be a gentleman throughout – no swearing, mind your Ps and Qs, open doors for her, offer your jacket if it’s cold, walk nearest to the kerbside. Oh, and try not to get sloshed!

7. Make sure she gets home safely; insist she takes a taxi (and pay for it in advance) or walk her home.

8. Kiss her good night.

9. Follow it up with a text or phone call the next day.

G.M. Norton
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'



  1. This is how a true gentleman should behave!

    1. I quite agree, dear lady - hopefully a few scoundrels will read this and take note!

  2. Does such a man exist?

    1. Of course, my dear lady! We are simply a little harder to find.


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