In which G.M. Norton answers questions about Christmas.
A highly contagious epidemic has been spreading recently. Thankfully, I don't mean anything as nasty as the Norovirus. However, given that it involves blogging types, bile is known to come out of both ends at times (I include myself in this, I hasten to add).
The epidemic to which I am referring involves bloggers sharing fifteen of their favourite Christmassy things and then passing the cracker-shaped baton on to other bloggers to share their festive-related nonsense. Such a lark. I was tagged by the lovely Charlie off of Gin Fuelled Bluestocking.
So, without further comparisons to illnesses made in poor taste, here are my fourteen festive favourites (I omitted one about my 'favourite Christmas candle scent' because I'm in that kind of mood).
Favourite festive food
Guilt-free cheese and crackers, washed down with a large glass of Port. I don't feel I need to elaborate any further.
I must confess, I've been on this mortal coil for almost thirty-three years and until now, I have never contemplated this question. Having given it the cream of the Norton brain, I'm going to pick Prancer because he sounds like quite the dandy.
Favourite day of Christmas
Reminiscent of a game of Chinese whispers in the playground, it seems this question has been interpreted in two different ways. A few of my fellow bloggers shared their favourite day from the popular English carol, 12 Days of Christmas. Meanwhile, others answered with their favourite day of the Christmas period such as Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.
Unbeknown to only a handful of people, 12 Days of Christmas is actually the equivalent of the 'radio edit' in that the full-length ditty is titled 24 Days of Christmas.
So my answer to both the song and festive period is the 24th day, Christmas Eve. Incidentally, the line in the carol is 'On the 24th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 24 Pork Pies Protruding'.
Favourite Christmas song
Oh, this is a dashed difficult one to answer. I'm rather partial to a little, 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' but ‘Oh, Santa!’ by Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer wins by a hair's breadth.
It was always a tradition on Christmas morning to receive both a Beano and Dandy annual. I'd spend hours working my way through the pages. Chortling, naturally.
Favourite festive film
Although it is perhaps overly-sentimental, I do have quite a soft spot for 'Love Actually'. I adore most things that Richard Curtis has had his fingers in from Mr Bean, Blackadder, The Vicar of Dibley, through to Four Weddings and A Funeral, Bridget Jones and The Boat That Rocked.
Love Actually is packed with an all-star British cast, including a delightful scene involving Rowan Atkinson as a jewellery salesman whose obsessive gift-wrapping puts his customer in a right old pickle.
Favourite festive cracker toy
I seem to recall taking ownership of a bottle opener following one of my many victorious cracker pull bouts. I only remember this because it was perfect for taking as my plus-one to soirees with large collections of bottled beverages.
Favourite cracker joke
This is a little like asking, "Which kick in the nether regions did you most prefer?"
Oh, go on then. Having consulted Google, this one stood out like a needle in Peaches Geldof's craft room.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the no-bell prize
Favourite Christmas decoration
There's Arthur the Robin who sits on my parents Christmas tree every year. He's named after my grandfather, who by a bizarre coincidence is also called Arthur.
Then there's some wonderful Santa Claus pictures that I absolutely adored growing up. Yes, the one on the far right shows Santa warming his bottom by the fire.
Favourite Christmas television advert
Having already confessed to an appreciation of the schmaltzy Love Actually, I may as well continue on this sugary road and admit to enjoying this year's World War One Christmas truce advertisement for Sainsbury's. Especially if the Royal British Legion are in favour of it.
Actually, I've changed my mind. We Nortons love the McVitie's biscuits advertisement promoting the sale of cute animals.
Favourite festive tradition
Baking is quickly becoming a tradition in the Norton household - mince pies, cheese and onion pie, alcohol-soaked Christmas cake, meat and potato pie on Christmas Eve. Have you noticed the word 'pie' features prominently?
Favourite place to spend Christmas
At home. I refuse to spend it anywhere else. With two young children, I firmly believe they should spend it in the comfort of their own home and surrounded by all their new toys. Much better than being carted around - that's what Boxing Day is for.
Favourite Christmas fact
When the Google van turned up to capture Santa's home and toy workshop for the purpose of 'Street View', Santa's Elves bombarded the camera crew with snowballs.
Favourite snowman accessory
His pipe! The Snowman is a gentleman of taste when it comes to choosing smoking aids.
Well, there you have it. I'm meant to 'tag' some bloggers but given the close proximity to Christmas Day and given my general laissez-faire attitude, please do consider yourself tagged if this sort of thing appeals.
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'