Saturday, 17 August 2013

Ost-riches and raging bulls


In which G.M. Norton teases himself by imagining what lovely items he could have splurged his car repair bill on.


Well, dear readers, my motorcar has been making a truly awful racket over the last few weeks. Adopting ostrich like behaviour, I naturally buried my head in the sand for as long as possible until even cats and dogs covered their collective ears as I trundled past in the old rust bucket. 

Having received my monthly pay cheque from my employer (alas, I do not have an inheritance to squander), I bit the proverbial bullet and made a much-needed visit to the car hospital. 

Well, I won’t bore you with the full details (mechanical talk goes completely over my pomade-covered head) but the lengthy list of mechanical improvements left me parting with a rather hefty sum to bring it back to (almost) full health. Crikey! What exceedingly rum luck.


I must admit, the whole experience left both my nerves and finances somewhat frayed. Of course, upon returning home, I retired to a darkened room for a lie-down, before ringing the bell for a restorative glass or two of the strong stuff. Needs must, after all.

So, what did I do next? Well, as a chap on rather limited means, I did what any jolly throwback would do in my circumstances. I thought about how I would have preferred to have spent my ‘riches’.

For my readers unlucky enough not to reside in the United Kingdom, you may not understand this reference, but I will forge ahead none the less. Perhaps conjuring up a 1980s television show featuring a bespectacled man and a raging bull, here is what I could have purchased.

A hamper from Fortnum and Mason - £150



Membership to the Portico Library in Manchester - £175

A pair of Church’s shoes – £390


Nine Age of Reason pocket squares - £395 (from £35 each)

Three-piece suit from Bookster – approx £630

I must say, bizarrely, this little activity has raised my spirits somewhat. 

Pip-pip!

G.M.Norton
Protagonist of ‘Norton of Morton’

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