In which G.M. Norton teases himself by imagining what lovely items he could have splurged his car repair bill on.
Well, dear readers, my motorcar has been making a truly awful racket over the last few weeks. Adopting ostrich like behaviour, I naturally buried my head in the sand for as long as possible until even cats and dogs covered their collective ears as I trundled past in the old rust bucket.
Having received my monthly pay cheque from my employer (alas, I do not have an inheritance to squander), I bit the proverbial bullet and made a much-needed visit to the car hospital.
Well, I won’t bore you with the full details (mechanical talk goes completely over my pomade-covered head) but the lengthy list of mechanical improvements left me parting with a rather hefty sum to bring it back to (almost) full health. Crikey! What exceedingly rum luck.
I must admit, the whole experience left both my nerves and finances somewhat frayed. Of course, upon returning home, I retired to a darkened room for a lie-down, before ringing the bell for a restorative glass or two of the strong stuff. Needs must, after all.
So, what did I do next? Well, as a chap on rather limited means, I did what any jolly throwback would do in my circumstances. I thought about how I would have preferred to have spent my ‘riches’.
For my readers unlucky enough not to reside in the United Kingdom, you may not understand this reference, but I will forge ahead none the less. Perhaps conjuring up a 1980s television show featuring a bespectacled man and a raging bull, here is what I could have purchased.
A hamper from Fortnum and Mason - £150
Membership to the Portico Library in Manchester - £175
A pair of Church’s shoes – £390
Three-piece suit from Bookster – approx £630
I must say, bizarrely, this little activity has raised my spirits somewhat.
Pip-pip!
G.M.Norton
Protagonist of ‘Norton of Morton’
Protagonist of ‘Norton of Morton’
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