Norton of Morton

Read a new instalment of Norton of Morton every Saturday at 4 o'clock

Saturday 8 June 2013

The fellowship of the moustache - part III

In which G.M. Norton waxes lyrical about his sub-nasal topiary.

It is said that ‘a man is known by the moustache he keeps’. If that is true, this is how I am now known.

What's black and white and read all over? This periodical!

It is now 98 days since I made the momentous decision to ‘grow a mo’ and several weeks since my last hairy update

It warms my heart to think that every strand of hair found above my top lip serves as a tribute to the pantheon of moustache holders throughout history – Lord Kitchener, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Jimmy Edwards, Terry-Thomas, Leslie Phillips, Barry Chuckle. I am sure you have your own personal favourite hirsute hero.

So how am I finding the experience of sporting a luxurious upper lip appendage? Well, dear reader, I am still rather enjoying the whole shebang. I still perform an elaborate double-take whenever I spot myself on a passing reflective surface (in a good way) and the compliments from people I meet are continuing to come in thick and fast (and very gratefully received they are too). The positives of having a moustache are in abundance but it is certainly worth reading the small print before embarking on rapid hair growth of the face.

Over the last few weeks, it has become more difficult to eat and drink – food morsels are attracted to my ‘tache like a bee is around honey. This is part of the course unfortunately so I always make sure I have a handkerchief on my person to save me from all sorts of pickles (and other food stuff). I am a clean sort of fellow so I am probably a little more paranoid than some but thankfully there are little tricks to overcome this predicament. Namely, cut up your food into small pieces and if you’re eating buttery toast, turn it upside down. 

When it boils down to it though, what’s more important – eating and drinking or displaying an extravagant moustache? I know which one I’d choose.
As this is my first real foray into the world of lip wand cultivation, I have sought advice from more experienced moustache growers on the Twittering Device. One of the recurring pieces of advice is DO NOT TRIM IT. The idea is that the hair from the centre will eventually extend all the way to the tip. Rather like a tea-drinking builder making up the length of time it will take to complete a job, I would estimate I am six to eight weeks away from achieving this most holy of hirsute grails.  

Mr. King’s Marvellous Moustache Wax is continuing to serve me well - it has a glorious citrus aroma and keeps my moustache outrageously styled all day. It is now an important part of my morning ritual - upon the application of wax to my handlebar, I feel it ‘stiffen’ straight away (don’t tell my beloved) and am able to comb it through and easily shape it with my fingers. 

I have even been experimenting with an alternative style over the last few days – The English – a pointy little number that comes with its own health warning and risk assessment. 
What do you think?

G.M. Norton
Protagonist of ‘Norton of Morton’



  1. did your mustache grow slower in the middle if so, is that normal because that's how mine is growing out. do i just have to be patient and the mustache will full in in the middle thank you please respond when possible :)

    1. Terribly sorry for the tardy response, old thing. I'm fortunate that the area directly below my nose is quite naturally thick. Do not fret though, I believe that a sparse middle is quite a common occurrence for many chaps.

      Whatever you do, please do not trim it and given a little extra time, I'm sure the middle area will fill out, as it were. Please do send me a missive at if I can be of service in any way.

  2. Awesome moustache. Did you continue to dye it or did it eventually thicken up?

    1. I still dye it perhaps every four to six weeks. My moustache is mainly white blonde, as is the soul patch area. The rest of my beard area is brown. I quite like the natural colour begin to appear. Dying only takes ten minutes so isn't overly taxing.

  3. Awesome moustache. Did you continue to dye it or did it eventually thicken up?


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