In which G.M. Norton raises his beaker in a reverent toast to a fine selection of festive fellows.
With
Christmas almost upon us like an eagle hovering over a startled lamb, I’d like
us to raise our collective glasses to toast the gentlemen of Christmas past,
present and future.
Christmas past -
the Christmas Star and the Three Wise Men
As we all know, Bing Crosby was the Star of Christmas, single-handedly revolutionising the bland Christmas Carol and turning it into something quite pleasing to the discerning ear.
In need of some assistance, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin wisely agreed to follow in Bing’s snow-trodden footsteps in making Christmas songs palatable for ladies and gentlemen the world over. One should never underestimate the combined festive force of chaps armed with strong drink and Cuban cigars.
Christmas
present – Sean Connery/Santa Claus
Your
favourite protagonist is not one to spread salacious rumours and tittle-tattle
but surely it is no coincidence that Sean Connery shares the same initials to
Santa Claus? They are also both known for their hirsute qualities and for
hailing from cold parts of the world. Of course, Sean has cleverly gained a
reputation for being quite frugal whereas Santa is famous the world over for
his generous nature. But could this be an elaborate snowscreen? Have I
discovered the identity of the caped gift-sender?
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During
the heyday of the 1960s, the aforementioned Three Wise Men of Frank, Sammy and
Dean clubbed together every year to bestow Sean his favourite gift of the time
(it was the 60s after all) - one lady covered in gold, one in myrrh and one in
frankincense. Here he is pictured after unwrapping his first lady.
One
year in the 1970s, there was an unfortunate mix-up where Sean was presented with
a lady in a gold bikini. Thankfully, the Three Wise Men had kept the receipt so
could exchange her, in accordance with their statutory rights.
In
return, Sean gave the three crooners what they all desperately needed for
Christmas – dinner suits. One can never have too many, after all.
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Christmas future
– Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer
Some
people mistakenly believe that the custodian of the Christmas song is one
Michael Bubble. This is utter tripe. Subject to crossing the ‘I’s and dotting
the ‘T’s (or something along those lines), the baton will be passed to Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer for his previous services to Christmas songs.
Let’s
enjoy one of his festive ditties now, 'Oh, Santa!'.
I
would like to wish my dear readers a jolly good Christmas. Please enjoy
spending time with your near and dear and feel free to drink all the presents
that you are given. It would be rude not to, after all.
G.M. Norton
Protagonist of ‘Norton of Morton’
Protagonist of ‘Norton of Morton’
Care
to give me the gift of a vote in the UK Blog Awards 2014? It’s completely free
and only takes two shakes of a reindeer’s tail.
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